Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Chapter 80: What Women Want.

Hi All,

So I'm sure a lot of you have seen the film What Women Want (2000), starring Mel Gibson. I'm going to discuss what we do REALLY want. I think this is where my strong point lies with writing these blogs. I can be quite opinionated and strong headed. I like to think they are positives and when I have been brutally honest in the past I have had very positive reviews from you. So now I'm going to be brutally honest (again) and tell you what women really want. Men, if you think you're going to get the inside gossip and get one step ahead of the game, think again:

  1. We want to be able to paint our nails and be able to touch things STRAIGHT away after. So if I want to have a drink or shove a slice of pizza in my face, I want to do it without getting nails like this: 
  2. I would like to be able to straighten my hair and not arrive at my chosen destination with a massive kink on ONE side of my head. 
  3. I would also like to curl my hair and not arrive at my chosen destination with a massive straight bit on ONE side of my head.
  4. I want to be able to walk in my heels and not look like I need a wheelchair or that I have wet my pants by the end of the night.
  5. I would love to be able to watch my trash TV without people thinking I am not intellectual because of it - I still have a degree and a good job. I just so happen to enjoy watching rubbish TV.
  6. We want to be able to eat anything we want without putting on weight - I know this is a big ask but, please?
  7. We want to be able to walk out of the house with no make up on and NOT  bump into someone we either went to school with or used to go out with... "No I'm not under the weather, I'm just... Yeah. I'm under the weather." I'm like, 98% certain that Charlize Theron actually looks like how she looked in Monster (2003) with no make up on. 
  8. I would like to be able to stick my tummy out and relax in public.
  9. I would like the pube that grows out of my chin to... fuck off.
  10. I would like to not have to use fake tan but unfortunately I look like this without it:
  11. Don't you hate it when you go on holiday and sunbathe every day only to return back to reality and hear, "Oh, you haven't got much colour have you?" Okay firstly, I'm ginger and secondly, I'm ginger. Oh, just me then?
  12. We want camel toe to disappear.
  13. We want Chanel and Mac to be as cheap as Rimmel. No wait, Collection 2000. Yeah that shit is dirt cheap.
  14. We want to be able to pay rent and have a social life and do work and conquer the world. ALL in one go.
  15. Men, one thing I will say on behalf of women... In fact no, this picture says it better:
  16. Would like to be able to walk around in a bikini without feeling self conscious about how we look like casper, have cellulite, have a spare tyre, the list goes on...
  17. Would like to be able to have a white bra that doesn't go grey in the wash... even when we put it in a white wash.
  18. We would like our other halves to not look more maintained than us or be feminine in any way. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for long hair... But cracking out a bobble and putting your hair in a bun or getting your eyebrows waxed... Piss off mate.
  19. We would like to be able to get ready for a big night out in 20 minutes max.
  20. We want a man with a beard. Again, just me? 
Brad Pitt in, Legends of the Fall (1994). One word: Ooft.


Toodle pip!
T.x

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